Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Value of Worry


"Why worry? If you worry, you will die; if you don't worry, you will die. So why worry?" Father Anthony de Mello.
This encouraging tidbit was shared by our deacon this past Sunday, the first week of Advent.
I know.
I have always been a worrier. Not the wring-my-hands, pace-the-floor, the-end-is-near type of worrier, but perhaps a bit more than normal.
I blame it on TV.
When the kids were little, I thought every disease, accident and mishap I saw happen to other children on the news would eventually make its way here. Thanks to PSA's and cardiac rehab center commercials, I was fairly certain my panic attack symptoms were really little heart attacks in disguise. And just thinking about airplane crashes, kidnappings and foreign diseases and hospitals is enough to keep me from sleeping when Clay is out of the country. (Thanks, Lifetime Movie Network!)

Grandma H., in her journals, often criticized herself for her worrying, and cited Matthew 6:

(26) Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (28-29) Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

(Not to contradict Jesus, but on a recent Radiolab podcast, we learn that chickadees do indeed squirrel away seeds for the winter. I feel a little smarter every time I listen to an episode.)

While I would like to be as a chickadee or a lily, I'm just not.
I know people who say they never worry. Good for them. Perhaps they have a deep and abiding trust in the providence of God. Perhaps they are at some sort of peace that I have never been able to reach. Or perhaps they are simply delusional.
Worry makes us human. It also makes us gray and wrinkled and a little crazy, but it makes us human. Alive. Real. And as any mom (ie, Linda) can tell you, worry isn't voluntary -- it's a product of living and loving.
It's not so bad to be a worrier. Worry is just another word for concern; perhaps at times it is concern amplified to an unnecessary degree, but concern sounds nicer, more controlled than worry, doesn't it?
I choose to follow this equation:
Worry=concern=action=good
Example: Someone worried about kids standing up and monkeying around in moving vehicles. Concern about childrens' safety led to the implementation of car seats. Car seats save lives. Therefore, good.
Worry/concern about our brothers and sisters across the planet has led to worrisome things like the Peace Corps, Heifer International, food banks, St. Vincent de Paul and adoption of precious girls from China. Good, good, good, good, good.

Instead of telling people not to worry, let's thank them. Thanks for banning the use of DDT and red dye #2. Thanks for making me wear my seat belt and keep a smoke detector in my home. Thanks mom and dad, for being irrationally strict, worrying about my future and keeping me on the almost straight and fairly narrow; while I don't know that watching "Love American Style" turned other late-1970's girls into wanton harlots and strumpets, thanks for worrying that it might.
As has been proven in this family, worry doesn't keep bad things from happening. But it does keep us aware, thinking, and turning pot handles toward the center of the stove.
Peace.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Rate-A-Record, Christmas Style



I'll give this one a 98, Dick. It's got a good beat and is easy to dance to, as you can plainly see. I love the tribute to our Presidents, plus, bonus points for the accordian -- Merry Klezmer Christmas.

Yes, I bought the album. Is Bob Dylan is just yanking my chain? I don't know, but I love it. It might be the direct opposite of my Christmas CD purchase last year -- Songs of Joy & Peace.

Enjoy these guys; I give them a 98, too. Bonus points just because.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Return

So, I am reading a real book (Julie and Julia), knitting something other than a dishcloth and going to the gym.
For the first time since Allie died, I played at the Lutheran Home today. I think my peeps were glad to have me back. We even rocked out a little to Jingle Bells.
I'm trying to play a little music, write a bit and do something good every day. We'll see.

Oh, and I'm blogging again, too. Did you notice?

Peace.

Sunday, November 29, 2009




There are a lot of things to do.
It's time to do them.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Three Weeks


Will things ever be normal? I've heard the phrase "new normal" about a zillion times the past few weeks, and I guess that is where we are headed. We're back to doing the normal things -- school and wrestling for Will, work for Clay and even I went back to school today. We're cooking supper, watching TV, making cookies with the boys and taking them to the movies. I even knit a little yesterday.
But there are hundreds of thank you notes in various piles of completion on our dining room table. Droopy flowers from beautiful bouquets on top of my compost heap. Five boxes of saltines in the pantry and four bags of cheese in the frig (I think everyone who brought a pot of soup brought a box of crackers and a bag of cheese to go with it). Beautiful live plants in the foyer, angels, stepping stones, picture frames and prayer blankets all around the house that weren't there three weeks ago. Not normal.
And is it normal for a 16-year old high school junior to keep a brown and white striped onesie in his pocket all the time?
Will, like all of us, has an Allie-shaped hole in his heart.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Allie's Eulogy


I just can't write much lately, except in a little journal I started last week and will probably have to burn later since it is full of the f-word. But I thought I would share a nice piece of writing -- Clay's eulogy from Alex's funeral.
October 9, 2009
Alexander Clayton Anderson, Alex, our little Allie, was THE happiest baby I have ever known… and I’ve known a lot of happy babies. And I will love him and miss him every day for the rest of my life. His smile would light up a room, and I will always cherish the smiles that greeted me when he came through the front door to visit, when he was here when I came home from work, and when I saw him in the morning when the kids spent the night at our house. I will hold the memories of our trip to the Cleveland zoo last summer, and our trip to the wildlife refuge to see the ducks last week in my heart forever.
We loved, and worried, about Alex even before he was born. One day Sarah, 8-1/2 months pregnant, went to work and forgot her cell phone, which just happened to be the day of the flood in Columbus. Cut off from getting home, unable to call Adam or us to let us know she was okay, were some of the most stressful hours of my life, but they were ok... no big deal even… Alex would be born in Greenwood, at St. Francis Hospital. Then we learned that he might have a hearing problem, even be deaf in 1 ear, but over the months THAT seemed to go away too. This summer there was a concern he might have a digestive disorder, his stomach would get so hard and full when he would eat, but it turned out, he just liked to eat… a lot. But through it all, he kept smiling and laughing.
His appetite was truly amazing. It was only in the last month he would seem to get full, before that we had to stop feeding him. Just last Friday Sarah brought us home a tenderloin sandwich from the Oktoberfest as we watched the kids and he proceeded to eat ½ of George’s sandwich and then some applesauce. We wondered if there was anything he wouldn’t eat and I finally found 1 thing at Tommy’s birthday party last month, green olives, and that is another memory I will hold dear. He didn’t like it, in fact he even threw it at me, but he didn’t stop smiling, and he didn’t stop eating. He immediately opened his mouth for more pasta salad with a wary eye looking for more green olives, because you know, I tried to give him more.
It is entirely appropriate that today is cloudy and rainy, because today our hearts are breaking. Everyone’s prayers and good wishes have meant more than you could ever know and I don’t know how we will ever be able to repay everyone’s kindness during this week. But it is also entirely appropriate that tomorrow, and this weekend, will be beautiful and sunny, because that’s what Alex was. We owe it to him, and to Tommy and Nate, and Sarah and Adam, to be happy again, because that’s what Alex would be… that’s what Alex is. We will be happy again, I promise you that, and I look forward to the days and years ahead with Tommy and Nate, playing with them and helping them, and keeping Alex alive and happy in their memories. It helps a great deal to know that heaven is a little happier today with Alex, our little Allie, there.
Thank you…
Peace.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

My Prayers

Yesterday, I sat through one of the most beautiful funeral masses ever. Five caring priests on the altar. My dear friends playing and singing.

But I didn't pray. And I couldn't sing.

I tried again last night without success. And this morning, I still have that empty feeling, like I will never pray, sing or be truly happy ever again. Clay tells me I will. And I believe him, I think.

But I thought I should start on my thankfulness list, for when God and I are on speaking terms again:


Angie's handmade rosaries, a gift from my biggest fan.


Holly and Justin's talents.

Karma.


Jim Gerth's words of comfort. One of the things I wanted most this week was my mom and dad. Jim filled that achy void a little for me.


Timing.

Kindergartener's hugs. Man, did I miss them this week. I think they were all supposed to be silently going back to the classroom when I saw them, and I hope they didn't get into trouble for jumping out of line.


The Coons Women and their compatriot, Will.


Mr. Prout, who told me I would never withstand the competition at music school at IU, which convinced me to go to Purdue. Perhaps if I had gone to IU, I would have met a man like Clay and friends like the Crew, but I doubt it.


Friends who surprise you by their actions. People you didn't realize were your friends.


Miko.


Peace.